Tuesday, February 5, 2013
And, She's Off...
Sunday, February 3, 2013
The Big Picture
A couple of months ago my therapist asked me how I was coping with EVERYTHING I had going on. My answer? I don't look at the big picture. I can't. It's too overwhelming. I focus on one thing at a time, and pretend like the rest isn't happening so I can get by. She told me that was the perfect strategy. Sometimes, it's hard to do though. I do have a lot going on. It is overwhelming. It's frustrating. So here it is, in all it's glory, my big picture:
1. I have a 6 1/2 month old daughter. If giving birth and having a new addition to our family doesn't qualify as a major life changing event, nothing does. Ellie is wonderful, and so much fun to watch and learn with. But, adjusting to life as a parent isn't always easy. In fact, it's pretty hard. Jeff and I are entirely responsible for her -- what we do will determine who she'll be, what kind of person she'll be, what's important to her, how she responds to various situations....Wow!
2. Jeff started a new job in August. While he's doing the same thing (writing about auto news and car reviews for a website) this job is structured totally differently. This has been a major change for him, and a huge source of stress for both of us. He's finally at the 6 month learning curve that everyone experiences at a new job, so it looks like things are getting easier. But, to make this life change more difficult...
3. Jeff is also a stay-at-home-dad. He takes care of Ellie during the day. They are both so very lucky to have this time together. Not many dads and daughters get to bond so much so early in life. I'm pretty jealous of them, actually. I wish I could stay at home and play with Ellie all day. Too bad we can't afford that.
4. We own a house. We own a 35 year old house that needs a new air conditioner that we can't afford, with a microwave that only works if you hold the door in the correct position, with a flooring project that is almost finished, with a large yard that needs maintenance, with wild animals running through it all night long, with a garage door that breaks all the time, and that needs a serious deep cleaning.
5. I work full time. I leave for work shortly after Ellie wakes up in the morning, and I get home a little bit before she goes to bed at night. I miss out on everything in between. I get her up in the morning, but because of my pumping schedule, Jeff usually takes over while I pump and then get ready for work. After work we play for a bit, I feed her dinner, then I put her to bed (change clothes, bottle, book, goodnight song, rocking...). Again, I'm jealous of all the time that Jeff and Ellie have together, because I don't have that. I'm at work 9 hours a day.
6. And when I'm not at work, I'm at appointments. Stupid appointments because I have Postpartum Depression and I have to see a therapist. She's wonderful, and a huge help to me. I'm getting better every day. I'm stronger and more in control than I was when I started seeing her. I don't feel like I'm getting stuck in a black hole anymore. Some days are better than others. Some days aren't great. But, I'm pushing through.
7. Other appointments because I still have two holes in my abdomen (each about .5cm) because I STILL haven't healed from my c-section. I have wound care appointments that are expensive because the practice is out of network and dumb because it's not working. My wounds have been the same for the past 4 months. Some weeks they're slightly smaller, some weeks slightly larger. Whatever, I hardly care about the measurements anymore. I just want the damn things healed. When I started at Wound Care they took my case on pro-bono. They heal people in 12 weeks. I'm young, healthy, and shouldn't have had any problems healing. Well, since here we are 20 weeks later still not healed, they can't continue to not charge me. Every visit is between $100 and $400 -- biweekly. Who can afford that?!
8. I've been ill. Besides my stupid wounds, I've had mastitis, a stomach virus, and pneumonia. The mastitis could not have come at a worse time. I was scheduled for a deep wound debridment surgery. The day before we went to the OR I started feeling feverish. By the time I was in pre-op my temperature was 102.2. No surgery for me that day...reschedule for after the holidays. What's that you say? I have pneumonia. I have to go on some serious antibiotics that will make me feel like shit and have to wait at least a month before I can even talk to my doctor about rescheduling? OK, sure. Let's postpone some more. Meanwhile I'll try to sleep 15 hours a day, go to work, maybe make dinner for my husband (though the thought of eating makes me want to vomit, so he's been on his own more often than not), think about cleaning the house or doing laundry, try to take care of my daughter, and try really, really, really hard not to feel guilty about the fact that the only thing I'll be able to successfully accomplish is sleeping.
9. Feeding Ellie has been a labor of love. It's not been easy. I was totally committed to feeding her breast milk only for as long as possible. I didn't realize how short of a window I would have. I have never felt like more of a failure than I did when I was unable to feed my child. I mean, can you think of a more natural process than nursing? I can't. How hard can it be? Apparently, very. And while she was a rock star when anyone was watching (Lactation consultants, doctors, etc), at home, it was just tears and screaming. When I gave up on nursing and switched to Exclusively Pumping it was bittersweet. Bitter because I failed her. I just kept thinking, if this was 100 years ago, she would die. She would die because I can't feed her. But sweet because I knew even though she wasn't getting my milk in the conventional vessel, she was in fact, getting my milk. And then I had to start supplementing with formula because I got sick (stupid illnesses). Antibiotics required pumping and dumping, stomach virus dehydrated me, pneumonia exhausted me I couldn't bring myself to stay up until 11 pm to pump...I've come to terms with the formula. She still gets mostly breast milk. Most days I forgive myself for having to give her formula. But not everyday. Some days I feel guilty about it, like I should be able to make enough milk to provide for her and I can't, so I'm already letting her down and she's only 6 months!
10. I have some mixed emotions on this last item. On one hand, I feel like such a huge burden. Can you imagine everything my poor husband is going through? Starting a new job, having a new daughter, taking care of her all day, taking care of me, taking care of the house, changing my dressings daily (you know someone really loves you when they pack gauze into your open wounds every single day!), taking me to doctor's appointments, worrying about my health, worrying about our stupid broken a/c and how we'll replace it, paying bills, taking care of the dogs, and everything else he does. I want to contribute more. I can't. I can't load the dishwasher because I can't bend down to the bottom rack. I can't do the laundry by myself because I can't life the laundry baskets. I can't clean the bathrooms because I can't bend over....and the list goes on. He's amazing and incredible, and I'm so fortunate to have married such a wonderful man. On the other hand, I feel abandoned. My friends hardly call to check up on me. Besides work, I rarely see anyone. I know I can ask for help, but really, what can I say? Hey, I know I haven't been around lately because I've been sick. Wanna hang out? And while you're on your way over can you pick up dinner because I don't have the energy to cook, and once you get here can you clean my bathrooms and help me do my laundry? Yeah, I can really see everyone lining up to do that! I can't blame anyone because I haven't asked for help. But I can't help but be disappointed that no one has offered, either.
I know there's more to my big picture. There's all the good stuff too. There's Ellie who is learning to crawl and who has the best giggle you can possibly imagine. There's the fact that in spite of all of this I am getting up in the morning, and I am going to work, and I am getting through this. There's knowing that my husband and I are getting through this together, and that this is only making us stronger as a couple. That's what I focus on most of the time. All the good, instead of the bad. But sometimes it helps to say, "hey, I have a lot of really crappy things happening, and I'm doing OK. I'm getting by." That's what I have to focus on. Getting by.
1. I have a 6 1/2 month old daughter. If giving birth and having a new addition to our family doesn't qualify as a major life changing event, nothing does. Ellie is wonderful, and so much fun to watch and learn with. But, adjusting to life as a parent isn't always easy. In fact, it's pretty hard. Jeff and I are entirely responsible for her -- what we do will determine who she'll be, what kind of person she'll be, what's important to her, how she responds to various situations....Wow!
2. Jeff started a new job in August. While he's doing the same thing (writing about auto news and car reviews for a website) this job is structured totally differently. This has been a major change for him, and a huge source of stress for both of us. He's finally at the 6 month learning curve that everyone experiences at a new job, so it looks like things are getting easier. But, to make this life change more difficult...
3. Jeff is also a stay-at-home-dad. He takes care of Ellie during the day. They are both so very lucky to have this time together. Not many dads and daughters get to bond so much so early in life. I'm pretty jealous of them, actually. I wish I could stay at home and play with Ellie all day. Too bad we can't afford that.
4. We own a house. We own a 35 year old house that needs a new air conditioner that we can't afford, with a microwave that only works if you hold the door in the correct position, with a flooring project that is almost finished, with a large yard that needs maintenance, with wild animals running through it all night long, with a garage door that breaks all the time, and that needs a serious deep cleaning.
5. I work full time. I leave for work shortly after Ellie wakes up in the morning, and I get home a little bit before she goes to bed at night. I miss out on everything in between. I get her up in the morning, but because of my pumping schedule, Jeff usually takes over while I pump and then get ready for work. After work we play for a bit, I feed her dinner, then I put her to bed (change clothes, bottle, book, goodnight song, rocking...). Again, I'm jealous of all the time that Jeff and Ellie have together, because I don't have that. I'm at work 9 hours a day.
6. And when I'm not at work, I'm at appointments. Stupid appointments because I have Postpartum Depression and I have to see a therapist. She's wonderful, and a huge help to me. I'm getting better every day. I'm stronger and more in control than I was when I started seeing her. I don't feel like I'm getting stuck in a black hole anymore. Some days are better than others. Some days aren't great. But, I'm pushing through.
7. Other appointments because I still have two holes in my abdomen (each about .5cm) because I STILL haven't healed from my c-section. I have wound care appointments that are expensive because the practice is out of network and dumb because it's not working. My wounds have been the same for the past 4 months. Some weeks they're slightly smaller, some weeks slightly larger. Whatever, I hardly care about the measurements anymore. I just want the damn things healed. When I started at Wound Care they took my case on pro-bono. They heal people in 12 weeks. I'm young, healthy, and shouldn't have had any problems healing. Well, since here we are 20 weeks later still not healed, they can't continue to not charge me. Every visit is between $100 and $400 -- biweekly. Who can afford that?!
8. I've been ill. Besides my stupid wounds, I've had mastitis, a stomach virus, and pneumonia. The mastitis could not have come at a worse time. I was scheduled for a deep wound debridment surgery. The day before we went to the OR I started feeling feverish. By the time I was in pre-op my temperature was 102.2. No surgery for me that day...reschedule for after the holidays. What's that you say? I have pneumonia. I have to go on some serious antibiotics that will make me feel like shit and have to wait at least a month before I can even talk to my doctor about rescheduling? OK, sure. Let's postpone some more. Meanwhile I'll try to sleep 15 hours a day, go to work, maybe make dinner for my husband (though the thought of eating makes me want to vomit, so he's been on his own more often than not), think about cleaning the house or doing laundry, try to take care of my daughter, and try really, really, really hard not to feel guilty about the fact that the only thing I'll be able to successfully accomplish is sleeping.
9. Feeding Ellie has been a labor of love. It's not been easy. I was totally committed to feeding her breast milk only for as long as possible. I didn't realize how short of a window I would have. I have never felt like more of a failure than I did when I was unable to feed my child. I mean, can you think of a more natural process than nursing? I can't. How hard can it be? Apparently, very. And while she was a rock star when anyone was watching (Lactation consultants, doctors, etc), at home, it was just tears and screaming. When I gave up on nursing and switched to Exclusively Pumping it was bittersweet. Bitter because I failed her. I just kept thinking, if this was 100 years ago, she would die. She would die because I can't feed her. But sweet because I knew even though she wasn't getting my milk in the conventional vessel, she was in fact, getting my milk. And then I had to start supplementing with formula because I got sick (stupid illnesses). Antibiotics required pumping and dumping, stomach virus dehydrated me, pneumonia exhausted me I couldn't bring myself to stay up until 11 pm to pump...I've come to terms with the formula. She still gets mostly breast milk. Most days I forgive myself for having to give her formula. But not everyday. Some days I feel guilty about it, like I should be able to make enough milk to provide for her and I can't, so I'm already letting her down and she's only 6 months!
10. I have some mixed emotions on this last item. On one hand, I feel like such a huge burden. Can you imagine everything my poor husband is going through? Starting a new job, having a new daughter, taking care of her all day, taking care of me, taking care of the house, changing my dressings daily (you know someone really loves you when they pack gauze into your open wounds every single day!), taking me to doctor's appointments, worrying about my health, worrying about our stupid broken a/c and how we'll replace it, paying bills, taking care of the dogs, and everything else he does. I want to contribute more. I can't. I can't load the dishwasher because I can't bend down to the bottom rack. I can't do the laundry by myself because I can't life the laundry baskets. I can't clean the bathrooms because I can't bend over....and the list goes on. He's amazing and incredible, and I'm so fortunate to have married such a wonderful man. On the other hand, I feel abandoned. My friends hardly call to check up on me. Besides work, I rarely see anyone. I know I can ask for help, but really, what can I say? Hey, I know I haven't been around lately because I've been sick. Wanna hang out? And while you're on your way over can you pick up dinner because I don't have the energy to cook, and once you get here can you clean my bathrooms and help me do my laundry? Yeah, I can really see everyone lining up to do that! I can't blame anyone because I haven't asked for help. But I can't help but be disappointed that no one has offered, either.
I know there's more to my big picture. There's all the good stuff too. There's Ellie who is learning to crawl and who has the best giggle you can possibly imagine. There's the fact that in spite of all of this I am getting up in the morning, and I am going to work, and I am getting through this. There's knowing that my husband and I are getting through this together, and that this is only making us stronger as a couple. That's what I focus on most of the time. All the good, instead of the bad. But sometimes it helps to say, "hey, I have a lot of really crappy things happening, and I'm doing OK. I'm getting by." That's what I have to focus on. Getting by.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Foodie, Food, Food
Now that Ellie is six months she's entered into the wonderful world of solid foods. Her nutrition still comes from breast milk (and a little formula), so the solids are just for fun and exploring.
Feeding Ellie in the beginning was so difficult, so I'm glad to be enjoying this part of it. I'm still pumping, but I've dropped to 4-5 pumps a day. I usually get about 22 oz of breast milk a day, and the rest we supplement. Ellie is eating 25-30 oz per day, so most of her meals are coming straight from me. I was really, really committed to exclusively breastfeeding until six months, but after so many medical issues, I had no choice but to supplement with formula. After my wound debridement surgery was scheduled I knew I'd have to give her formula, since you have to pump and dump for 24 hours after anesthesia. Instead of having the surgery, though, I got mastitis and ended up with a fever of 102.4, so I got IV antibiotics instead. From the mastitis I went to a stomach virus, and then straight into pneumonia. Needless to say, it's been a rough month and my milk supply has taken a hit. I'm planning on pumping for as long as I can, but I'm pretty proud of myself for making it this far in spite all of the obstacles I've had to deal with over the past six months.
I know lots of babies are really interested in solid foods, grabbing for anything their parents are eating and reaching out for foods. Ellie seems to be kind of nonchalant about the whole solid food thing. She eats most of what we give her, she helps put the spoon in her mouth, but she's also perfectly happy with just her bottle. She sits in her high chair and is just as happy to watch us eat as she is to get fed. She's liked everything that she's tried so far, though anything with banana is best. We started with butternut squash, then added in bananas. Next we tried sweet potatoes. Then was green beans, and today Ellie had apple for the first time. We have a mesh chewing thing that I can put a larger piece of fruit in and she can safely gnaw on it for a bit, so that's how she got her apple. Bananas, we found, are awfully messing in that thing! Her next food will either be carrots or spinach (since those are both in my fridge right now). I'm making everything she eats from the produce I get in my bi-weekly veggie bin, so even Ellie is supporting local growers!
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| Trying purple sweet potatoes |
Feeding Ellie in the beginning was so difficult, so I'm glad to be enjoying this part of it. I'm still pumping, but I've dropped to 4-5 pumps a day. I usually get about 22 oz of breast milk a day, and the rest we supplement. Ellie is eating 25-30 oz per day, so most of her meals are coming straight from me. I was really, really committed to exclusively breastfeeding until six months, but after so many medical issues, I had no choice but to supplement with formula. After my wound debridement surgery was scheduled I knew I'd have to give her formula, since you have to pump and dump for 24 hours after anesthesia. Instead of having the surgery, though, I got mastitis and ended up with a fever of 102.4, so I got IV antibiotics instead. From the mastitis I went to a stomach virus, and then straight into pneumonia. Needless to say, it's been a rough month and my milk supply has taken a hit. I'm planning on pumping for as long as I can, but I'm pretty proud of myself for making it this far in spite all of the obstacles I've had to deal with over the past six months.
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| Hanging out in the highchair |
I know lots of babies are really interested in solid foods, grabbing for anything their parents are eating and reaching out for foods. Ellie seems to be kind of nonchalant about the whole solid food thing. She eats most of what we give her, she helps put the spoon in her mouth, but she's also perfectly happy with just her bottle. She sits in her high chair and is just as happy to watch us eat as she is to get fed. She's liked everything that she's tried so far, though anything with banana is best. We started with butternut squash, then added in bananas. Next we tried sweet potatoes. Then was green beans, and today Ellie had apple for the first time. We have a mesh chewing thing that I can put a larger piece of fruit in and she can safely gnaw on it for a bit, so that's how she got her apple. Bananas, we found, are awfully messing in that thing! Her next food will either be carrots or spinach (since those are both in my fridge right now). I'm making everything she eats from the produce I get in my bi-weekly veggie bin, so even Ellie is supporting local growers!
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| First food -- butternut squash |
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| As with everything else, Ellie is quick to tell us when she's had enough |
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Play and Learn Class
Today we took Ellie to Gymboree for a Play and Learn class. There were about 10 babies, all 6 - 10 months old. Ellie was the youngest in the group, and the only one who was not an adept crawler (though one started crawling only this morning!). There were songs, play equipment, and lots of balls. Ellie had fun playing with the balls and watching the other babies. She wasn't too sure about the parachute games though. While it was fun, we think the monthly membership prices are a little high, since she can only go to one class a week, so we probably won't become members.
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| We need to get an inner tube and some wiffle balls, because this was Ellie's favorite activity! |
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| Whee! Ellie's first slide. |
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| Playing on the parachute (better than playing under it!) |
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| Bubbles! |
Friday, January 25, 2013
Six Months...In Pictures
Ellie is six months old now. She's 15 lbs, 3 oz, and 25" long (25th percentile for both). She's smart, funny, strong, and stubborn. I could not be more proud to be her mother!
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| December was chilly! |
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| St. Augustine Night of Lights Christmas Tree |
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| With Grandma in St. Augustine |
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| Christmas Eve |
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| Christmas morning |
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| The best part of opening presents? Playing with tissue paper! |
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| Hello! |
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| Hanging out with the dogs (Mauja, stop licking!) |
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| Happy New Year! |
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| "Yeah, I sit in a high chair now..." |
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| Playing with the remote (switching between Sprout and football) |
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| Who doesn't love puppy kisses!? |
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| I could play in my exersaucer all day! |
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| Already learning how to drive... |
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| Playing with Lainey |
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Sweet Dreams
Ellie sleeps in some silly positions. Many babies her age, now that they can roll over, will sleep on their tummies with their bum in the air. Not Ellie, she works herself into weird angles in her crib and takes up as much real estate as she can, even kicking a leg, or throwing an arm through the slats (maybe we ought to look into those mesh bumpers so she can't hurt herself). To fall asleep she puts her right hand on the back of her head and rubs it gently, turns her head to the left and sucks on her bicep. We can always tell she's ready to go down if she's rubbing her head or sucking on her arm. Here are some silly sleeping shots of her:
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| Taking an early morning nap on the couch with me... |
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| Waking up with one hand on the crib slats, angled in the corner of the crib |
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| Look at Ellie and her bear (named "Ellie's Bear") sleeping in the same position! |
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| Not one, but both feet sticking out of the crib slats! |
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Happy New Year!
Practicing crawling on New Year's Eve
Playing with Presley before bedtime
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
We can't wait to see what 2013 will bring!
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