The Big Picture

A couple of months ago my therapist asked me how I was coping with EVERYTHING I had going on.  My answer?  I don't look at the big picture.  I can't.  It's too overwhelming.  I focus on one thing at a time, and pretend like the rest isn't happening so I can get by.  She told me that was the perfect strategy.  Sometimes, it's hard to do though.  I do have a lot going on.  It is overwhelming.  It's frustrating.  So here it is, in all it's glory, my big picture:

1.  I have a 6 1/2 month old daughter.  If giving birth and having a new addition to our family doesn't qualify as a major life changing event, nothing does.  Ellie is wonderful, and so much fun to watch and learn with.  But, adjusting to life as a parent isn't always easy.  In fact, it's pretty hard.  Jeff and I are entirely responsible for her -- what we do will determine who she'll be, what kind of person she'll be, what's important to her, how she responds to various situations....Wow!

2.  Jeff started a new job in August.  While he's doing the same thing (writing about auto news and car reviews for a website) this job is structured totally differently.  This has been a major change for him, and a huge source of stress for both of us.  He's finally at the 6 month learning curve that everyone experiences at a new job, so it looks like things are getting easier.  But, to make this life change more difficult...

3.  Jeff is also a stay-at-home-dad.  He takes care of Ellie during the day.  They are both so very lucky to have this time together.  Not many dads and daughters get to bond so much so early in life.  I'm pretty jealous of them, actually.  I wish I could stay at home and play with Ellie all day.  Too bad we can't afford that.

4.  We own a house.  We own a 35 year old house that needs a new air conditioner that we can't afford, with a microwave that only works if you hold the door in the correct position, with a flooring project that is almost finished, with a large yard that needs maintenance, with wild animals running through it all night long, with a garage door that breaks all the time, and that needs a serious deep cleaning. 

5.  I work full time.  I leave for work shortly after Ellie wakes up in the morning, and I get home a little bit before she goes to bed at night.  I miss out on everything in between.  I get her up in the morning, but because of my pumping schedule, Jeff usually takes over while I pump and then get ready for work.  After work we play for a bit, I feed her dinner, then I put her to bed (change clothes, bottle, book, goodnight song, rocking...).  Again, I'm jealous of all the time that Jeff and Ellie have together, because I don't have that.  I'm at work 9 hours a day.

6.  And when I'm not at work, I'm at appointments.  Stupid appointments because I have Postpartum Depression and I have to see a therapist.  She's wonderful, and a huge help to me.  I'm getting better every day.  I'm stronger and more in control than I was when I started seeing her.  I don't feel like I'm getting stuck in a black hole anymore.  Some days are better than others.  Some days aren't great.  But, I'm pushing through.

7.  Other appointments because I still have two holes in my abdomen (each about .5cm) because I STILL haven't healed from my c-section.  I have wound care appointments that are expensive  because the practice is out of network and dumb because it's not working.  My wounds have been the same for the past 4 months.  Some weeks they're slightly smaller, some weeks slightly larger.  Whatever, I hardly care about the measurements anymore.  I just want the damn things healed.  When I started at Wound Care they took my case on pro-bono.  They heal people in 12 weeks.  I'm young, healthy, and shouldn't have had any problems healing.  Well, since here we are 20 weeks later still not healed, they can't continue to not charge me.  Every visit is between $100 and $400 -- biweekly. Who can afford that?! 

8.  I've been ill.  Besides my stupid wounds, I've had mastitis, a stomach virus, and pneumonia.   The mastitis could not have come at a worse time.  I was scheduled for a deep wound debridment surgery.  The day before we went to the OR I started feeling feverish.  By the time I was in pre-op my temperature was 102.2.  No surgery for me that day...reschedule for after the holidays.  What's that you say?  I have pneumonia.  I have to go on some serious antibiotics that will make me feel like shit and have to wait at least a month before I can even talk to my doctor about rescheduling?  OK, sure.  Let's postpone some more.  Meanwhile I'll try to sleep 15 hours a day, go to work, maybe make dinner for my husband (though the thought of eating makes me want to vomit, so he's been on his own more often than not), think about cleaning the house or doing laundry, try to take care of my daughter, and try really, really, really hard not to feel guilty about the fact that the only thing I'll be able to successfully accomplish is sleeping.

9.  Feeding Ellie has been a labor of love.  It's not been easy.  I was totally committed to feeding her breast milk only for as long as possible.  I didn't realize how short of a window I would have.  I have never felt like more of a failure than I did when I was unable to feed my child.  I mean, can you think of a more natural process than nursing?  I can't.  How hard can it be?  Apparently, very.  And while she was a rock star when anyone was watching (Lactation consultants, doctors, etc), at home, it was just tears and screaming.  When I gave up on nursing and switched to Exclusively Pumping it was bittersweet.  Bitter because I failed her.  I just kept thinking, if this was 100 years ago, she would die.  She would die because I can't feed her.  But sweet because I knew even though she wasn't getting my milk in the conventional vessel, she was in fact, getting my milk.  And then I had to start supplementing with formula because I got sick (stupid illnesses).  Antibiotics required pumping and dumping, stomach virus dehydrated me, pneumonia exhausted me I couldn't bring myself to stay up until 11 pm to pump...I've come to terms with the formula.  She still gets mostly breast milk.  Most days I forgive myself for having to give her formula.  But not everyday.  Some days I feel guilty about it, like I should be able to make enough milk to provide for her and I can't, so I'm already letting her down and she's only 6 months! 

10.  I have some mixed emotions on this last item.  On one hand, I feel like such a huge burden. Can you imagine everything my poor husband is going through?  Starting a new job, having a new daughter, taking care of her all day, taking care of me, taking care of the house, changing my dressings daily (you know someone really loves you when they pack gauze into your open wounds every single day!), taking me to doctor's appointments, worrying about my health, worrying about our stupid broken a/c and how we'll replace it, paying bills, taking care of the dogs, and everything else he does.  I want to contribute more.  I can't.  I can't load the dishwasher because I can't bend down to the bottom rack.  I can't do the laundry by myself because I can't life the laundry baskets.  I can't clean the bathrooms because I can't bend over....and the list goes on.  He's amazing and incredible, and I'm so fortunate to have married such a wonderful man.  On the other hand, I feel abandoned.  My friends hardly call to check up on me.  Besides work, I rarely see anyone.  I know I can ask for help, but really, what can I say?  Hey, I know I haven't been around lately because I've been sick.  Wanna hang out?  And while you're on your way over can you pick up dinner because I don't have the energy to cook, and once you get here can you clean my bathrooms and help me do my laundry?  Yeah, I can really see everyone lining up to do that!  I can't blame anyone because I haven't asked for help.  But I can't help but be disappointed that no one has offered, either. 

I know there's more to my big picture.  There's all the good stuff too.  There's Ellie who is learning to crawl and who has the best giggle you can possibly imagine.  There's the fact that in spite of all of this I am getting up in the morning, and I am going to work, and I am getting through this.  There's knowing that my husband and I are getting through this together, and that this is only making us stronger as a couple.  That's what I focus on most of the time.  All the good, instead of the bad.  But sometimes it helps to say, "hey, I have a lot of really crappy things happening, and I'm doing OK.  I'm getting by."  That's what I have to focus on.  Getting by.