Dear PPD,
You and me? We're not friends. I don't want to be friends. I don't want you hanging around. You need to know that I'm stronger than you. You won't get the best of me. You can try, with your intrusive thoughts and forceful nature to make me doubt myself, but I promise you, I won't let you.
Consider this your eviction notice. Start packing your bags and moving out. You are not wanted here and I am ready to move on without you. It make take a while, I understand that. We might have some things to work through. I get that, too. But you won't be around forever. Start making plans, PPD, it's time for you to start moving on.
Sincerely,
Amanda
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Three Months
Whew! We've been busy! I'm a little late on our 3 month post, and, I didn't even get a picture on Ellie's 3 month birthday. We spent that weekend in New Orleans with my family to celebrate my mom's birthday. Ellie is doing really well. Her most recent weigh in had her at 11 lbs, 5 oz (still about the 25th percentile). She won't have her length or head circumference measured until her 4 month checkup. After taking 13 weeks off for maternity leave, I went back to work a couple of weeks ago. It's so nice to be back at work and to have a regular routine. I never would have been out for so long had my wound not caused me so many problems. I'm still seeing the wound care doctor, but am no longer on the wound vac. We're packing my wounds with Aqua Cell (packing material made from seaweed and silver) and they're getting smaller every week. They aren't tunnelling anymore, so I have 2 completely separate wounds. My pain is much, much better, and I'm a lot more mobile. It's a lot easier to take care of Ellie now that I'm feeling better!
Ellie is so very lucky to be able to spend her days with her Daddy. Since Jeff works from home we decided not to put her in day care. I think we're going to have to hire a nanny since he'll start traveling again soon, but that will only be on a part time basis. I know the two of them are going to have an amazing relationship because of this time that they are spending together.
This month Ellie:
- Started laughing (especially at noises we make with our lips)
- Began sleeping in her own room (Presley moved into Ellie's room too, she can protect her better there!)
- Has learned how to get her fingers into her mouth and she loves sucking her thumb
- Is finally calming down after a colicky couple of months -- evenings are MUCH quieter!
- Took her first plane ride (to New Orleans)
- Went to the zoo for the first time
- Started learning how to sit up
We finally redid the floors thanks to Leslie, David and Zach's help! This will be the last plywood photo you see.
Drake and Ellie
Mia and Ellie
Reading with Daddy
Checking out the pups
Tubby time!Sunday, October 7, 2012
Pump, Pump, Pump it Up
Exclusive pumping is hard work.
Ellie never really caught on to nursing. When she was about three weeks old I gave up (so many tears, from both of us every time she was hungry!), but wanted to continue to give her breast milk. So, I joined the ranks of exclusive pumpers. I pump and bottle feed her my expressed breast milk.
For the first couple of weeks it was a race to make sure I had enough milk for her everyday. Then, I started taking Fenugreek (an herbal supplement) to help increase my supply. Within days I had a surplus, so I was able to store some in the freezer for when I go back to work. That was the plan, at least. Instead, we found out that one of the reasons my incision wasn't healing was because I had a staph infection (OSA). I had to go on antibiotics, and the dose was high enough that I had to stop giving her breast milk. It was a sad day for me. I was so committed to keeping her off formula for as long as possible. But, I knew that keeping her on the breast milk while on the antibiotics was too dangerous.
Since I had a decent supply of breast milk (about 90oz) in the freezer, we were able to mix breast milk with formula for the 12 days I had to pump and dump (so sad to watch my milk just go down the drain!). I've been off the antibiotics for a week now, and Ellie's been back on breast milk since Tuesday. We're back to the races to make sure I have enough. I'm taking 3 Fenugreek capsules, 3 times a day (which worked last time), and pumping hourly. I'm sore and tired! Since I pump for 15 minutes, I only have a 45 minute break in between sessions. I've been watching old shows on HBO Go to help me pass the time. So far I've finished Deadwood, Six Feet Under, How to Make it in America, and am now on season 2 of the Sopranos.
I'm hoping to go back to work on Tuesday (I see my nurse tomorrow and as long as my wounds are smaller, I'll be going to work -- hurray!!!). This means that I have to get a surplus again, so Ellie has milk during the day while I'm at work. Hopefully I'll be able to get at least 10 oz extra over the next day and half so we won't have to supplement with formula. I think that'll be enough to stay ahead of her. Wish me luck!
The one bonus of pumping and bottle feeding is that other people are able to feed Ellie. Here she is with Grandma, right after eating.
Ellie never really caught on to nursing. When she was about three weeks old I gave up (so many tears, from both of us every time she was hungry!), but wanted to continue to give her breast milk. So, I joined the ranks of exclusive pumpers. I pump and bottle feed her my expressed breast milk.
For the first couple of weeks it was a race to make sure I had enough milk for her everyday. Then, I started taking Fenugreek (an herbal supplement) to help increase my supply. Within days I had a surplus, so I was able to store some in the freezer for when I go back to work. That was the plan, at least. Instead, we found out that one of the reasons my incision wasn't healing was because I had a staph infection (OSA). I had to go on antibiotics, and the dose was high enough that I had to stop giving her breast milk. It was a sad day for me. I was so committed to keeping her off formula for as long as possible. But, I knew that keeping her on the breast milk while on the antibiotics was too dangerous.
Since I had a decent supply of breast milk (about 90oz) in the freezer, we were able to mix breast milk with formula for the 12 days I had to pump and dump (so sad to watch my milk just go down the drain!). I've been off the antibiotics for a week now, and Ellie's been back on breast milk since Tuesday. We're back to the races to make sure I have enough. I'm taking 3 Fenugreek capsules, 3 times a day (which worked last time), and pumping hourly. I'm sore and tired! Since I pump for 15 minutes, I only have a 45 minute break in between sessions. I've been watching old shows on HBO Go to help me pass the time. So far I've finished Deadwood, Six Feet Under, How to Make it in America, and am now on season 2 of the Sopranos.
I'm hoping to go back to work on Tuesday (I see my nurse tomorrow and as long as my wounds are smaller, I'll be going to work -- hurray!!!). This means that I have to get a surplus again, so Ellie has milk during the day while I'm at work. Hopefully I'll be able to get at least 10 oz extra over the next day and half so we won't have to supplement with formula. I think that'll be enough to stay ahead of her. Wish me luck!
The one bonus of pumping and bottle feeding is that other people are able to feed Ellie. Here she is with Grandma, right after eating. Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Our Story
This is not an easy post for me to write. But, I think it's an important part of my healing process to get this all down. After a few conversations with people I know, and reading blog posts from other moms with similar circumstances, I think I've worked up the courage to share my real feelings about the birth of my daughter.
I had a very specific plan for a natural birth. I knew there was a possibility that I might not get the exact birth experience that I wanted. I thought I was prepared for one or two things to stray off of the course of the plan. I was not, however, prepared for nothing to go according to my plan. When my doctor told me I would have to be induced, I burst into tears. When I was told we had to go to the OR for a c-section, I sobbed again. Everyone kept telling me that our goal was to have a healthy baby, and not to be too upset because the course of action we were taking was going to ensure a healthy baby. Well, that just made me mad. Of course I wanted a healthy baby. It was absurd to point that out to me. I wanted a natural birth to keep her healthy. I didn't want Pitocin or an epidural because I didn't want her to be born medicated. I didn't want a c-section because I wanted to be able to hold her and begin nursing within her first hour. I wanted to allow her umbilical cord to stop pulsating on it's own to keep her healthy. Every choice I made when creating my birth plan was made based on my research as to what would be the best for her. So, to tell me I had to have Pitocin, and I had to have a c-section to ensure she was healthy was really difficult for me to comprehend because it was so far from what I knew was best for her.
The c-section was very difficult. I did not react well to the epidural and my blood pressure dropped incredibly low (my husband told me it was 50/30 at one point). I spent most of the time in the OR either vomiting or fading in and out of consciousness. I had to force myself to open my eyes to see her when she was born. I was vaguely aware that my husband wasn't permitted to go see her right away, but was not really concerned with why -- I was too focused on not passing out again.
This picture was taken minutes after her birth -- I don't remember this at all
I had a very specific plan for a natural birth. I knew there was a possibility that I might not get the exact birth experience that I wanted. I thought I was prepared for one or two things to stray off of the course of the plan. I was not, however, prepared for nothing to go according to my plan. When my doctor told me I would have to be induced, I burst into tears. When I was told we had to go to the OR for a c-section, I sobbed again. Everyone kept telling me that our goal was to have a healthy baby, and not to be too upset because the course of action we were taking was going to ensure a healthy baby. Well, that just made me mad. Of course I wanted a healthy baby. It was absurd to point that out to me. I wanted a natural birth to keep her healthy. I didn't want Pitocin or an epidural because I didn't want her to be born medicated. I didn't want a c-section because I wanted to be able to hold her and begin nursing within her first hour. I wanted to allow her umbilical cord to stop pulsating on it's own to keep her healthy. Every choice I made when creating my birth plan was made based on my research as to what would be the best for her. So, to tell me I had to have Pitocin, and I had to have a c-section to ensure she was healthy was really difficult for me to comprehend because it was so far from what I knew was best for her.
The c-section was very difficult. I did not react well to the epidural and my blood pressure dropped incredibly low (my husband told me it was 50/30 at one point). I spent most of the time in the OR either vomiting or fading in and out of consciousness. I had to force myself to open my eyes to see her when she was born. I was vaguely aware that my husband wasn't permitted to go see her right away, but was not really concerned with why -- I was too focused on not passing out again.
This picture was taken minutes after her birth -- I don't remember this at all
When I got out of the OR and back into my hospital room my husband and my mother met me. He told me he was on his way back to the NICU, that something was wrong with her lungs and her blood pressure was too low. He promised to be back soon. My mom came into the room with me. I had the worst chills I've ever experienced. My mom said she was worried I might crack a tooth because my teeth were chattering so hard. A PA came in to update me on my daughter and to tell me that she should be out of the NICU in a couple hours. As the epidural wore off, I began to feel better and get a better grasp on what was happening. Around this time a couple of hours had passed and my husband and daughter soon came into the room. While I met my daughter just minutes after she was born, it wasn't until three hours later that I was able to hold her for the first time.
I didn't really feel connected to her. This still makes me cry. I only knew she was mine because they told me she was (and she looked like my dad). Nursing was difficult for both of us. I had hoped, since nothing else had gone my way, that nursing would be the one thing I would have control over. But even that didn't work out and we had to put her on formula while in the hospital. Once we got home we stopped the formula, but she hated nursing so I joined the ranks of EPs (exclusive pumper). It took a few weeks before I really felt like she was my daughter. Within hours of her birth my husband, parents, and in-laws were telling me how much they loved her. I just didn't feel that immediate connection to her. It makes me so sad that my own daughter felt like a stranger to me in the beginning. She grew inside me, and I had no emotion toward her. That's all changed now, and I can't even remember life without her. She's the most important thing in my life.
I needed to grieve my birth experience. And, I needed to know that it was okay to need to grieve. It sounds so silly, right? I mean, I have a beautiful healthy daughter. I should be happy for that and be done with it. But, it's not that easy. It was incredibly traumatic for both of us. It's not the beginning that I wanted for her, and I can never change that. I can't re-do it. I couldn't protect her when she was born. I couldn't help her at all during the first three hours of her life. As a mother it's my job to protect and help her, and I felt like I failed before I even had a chance to try. And, because my incision is having such a difficult time healing, I still struggle with feeling like a bad mother. There have been days in the past two months that I've been barely able to move. The one blessing about being an EP is that my husband can feed her in the middle of the night. Most of the time I can't hold her unless I'm in a chair with a pillow on my lap. It hurts too much. I can't take her on walks. I can't do so many things that I want to be able to do with her because I have an open wound in my abdomen.
I know that once I'm healed and she's past her colicky phase all of this sadness and frustration will be a distant memory. Putting my feelings down helps; I feel like at least I've gotten my feelings out, and I can move on now. I'm so looking forward to watching her grow. She is such a beautiful and sweet baby. I love to make her smile and laugh; I love to hold her in my arms and fall asleep with her on my chest. While I wish thing happened differently, I know that I'll get past this experience and it will only make me stronger.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Two Months
This month has been super busy. We had a lot of visitors -- Aunt Ginny the Great, Aunt Katie and Uncle Chad, Grandma and Papa, Aunt Genevieve, and now Nana is here. (I still have to post about our visits with Grandma, Papa and Aunt Genevieve). Nursing is still not interesting to Ellie, but we have a pretty good system worked out. I pump every couple of hours and we bottle feed her. If she's really cranky or fussy Ellie will nurse, but otherwise, she has no interest. I have a pretty good supply in the freezer now, so I'm not worried about having enough milk when I go back to work.
Cousin Zach, Aunt Ginny, Jeff, Ellie, and MeMy c-section wound is still not healed. There are two deep wounds on either side of the incision, with the surface in between healed. Under the surface, however, is a tunnel where it has not been healed. I saw the wound specialist this week and we're getting more aggressive with the treatment. They packed the wound with foam and attach a tube to the foam. The tube leads to a wound vac which uses negative pressure to constantly remove the drainage and promote healthy cell growth. When my nurse came to the house to change the dressings (which hurt more than childbirth!) she was pleased to see that she could see the bottom of the side wounds (I've had the same nurse for the past 6 weeks, so she's been looking at it for a while). This was the most progress we've made, so it's promising. I'm hoping to only have to use the wound vac for a week or two.
Here are some of the highlights from this month:
- Ellie is an expert at holding up her head
- She can push herself up to 45 degrees
- Kisses make her smile, especially kisses on the lips
- She can track things with her eyes, and often watches as Jeff or I leave the room or come toward her
- She loves to watch the ceiling fans
We are really enjoying Ellie and can't wait to see what she does next. My mom came to help us while I'm healing. I'm really grateful that she's here, as I cannot move as well as I should be able to due to the wound in my lower abdomen. Leslie, David and Drake are coming to visit next weekend (Ellie is super excited to meet her cousin Drake!), and hopefully my dad will be able to make it too.
Here are some pictures from this month:
Uncle Chad, Aunt Katie and Ellie
Ellie, Grandma and Papa
Jeff, Ellie and Me
Ellie meets Eleanor
Ellie and Aunt Genevieve
Ellie and her Daddy
Me and EllieFriday, September 7, 2012
Dine Out for No Kid Hungry
No Kid Hungry Share our Strength is working to eradicate childhood hunger in America by 2015. Having spent almost a decade teaching in urban schools where I worked with children who were often hungry, this is a cause I feel very strongly about. America is a super power, yet we can't manage to ensure that all of our children eat at least 3 healthy meals a day. Many of the kids I worked with often only had the meals provided at school on any given day. It's hard to learn when one is focused on a hungry belly.
Support this cause simply by going out to dinner during the week of September 16. Use this link to learn more about the Dine Out for No Kid Hungry: http://join.strength.org/site/PageServer?pagename=GADO_homepage
Last year Jeff and I went to Ted's Montana Grill. We simply added a donation to our check, and received a gift certificate from the restaurant in appreciation. Where will you go this year to support the end of childhood hunger in America? http://dineout.nokidhungry.org/maps
Support this cause simply by going out to dinner during the week of September 16. Use this link to learn more about the Dine Out for No Kid Hungry: http://join.strength.org/site/PageServer?pagename=GADO_homepage
Last year Jeff and I went to Ted's Montana Grill. We simply added a donation to our check, and received a gift certificate from the restaurant in appreciation. Where will you go this year to support the end of childhood hunger in America? http://dineout.nokidhungry.org/maps
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Two Lucky Girls
Ellie and I are so very lucky to have a man like Jeff in our lives. I was just thinking tonight how difficult the past few months have been on me physically, and how I could not imagine going through all of this without him by my side. I am so fortunate that Jeff works from home and is here to help me during the day.
Before Ellie was born I was hospitalized in late May. It was only for about 36 hours, but Jeff was by my side the entire time (except when I sent him home to sleep because I was worried about the dogs being all alone). Then, he was with me the whole time though my labor (which lasted almost a week -- contractions started on Monday, she wasn't born until Saturday). Jeff was an awesome coach and support, especially when everything was so out of my control. He kept me focused and held my hand through it all. But, most importantly, he has been absolutely amazing since we've been home.
I have not healed well from my c-section. I still have an open wound for which I am receiving regular care from my doctor and home health nurses. Because of my wound I am really limited in what I can do. I can't lift anything besides Ellie. I can't bend over to pick something off of the floor. I can't always walk very easily or even lower myself into a chair because of the pain. In addition, because Ellie doesn't care for nursing, I'm pumping every two hours so I can give her breast milk and avoid giving her formula. This means that I have to interrupt Jeff's work so he can watch her while I'm pumping. He stops what he's doing and helps me every time I need him, and usually with a smile. This is all while he's starting a new job, managing the various home improvement projects we have going on (our timing on those projects was awful!), and bonding with Ellie.
Sometimes I think about how hard it must be to be a single mother. Or even to be a mother of a newborn if your partner works outside of the home. I could not do this alone every day for 8 hours while Jeff is at work. I'm lucky to have such a loving and caring husband. Ellie is lucky to have a father like Jeff. Today was an especially hard day. I've been in a lot of pain. But he has been wonderful, taking care of me and Ellie. I just wanted to say thank you, we love you so much!
Before Ellie was born I was hospitalized in late May. It was only for about 36 hours, but Jeff was by my side the entire time (except when I sent him home to sleep because I was worried about the dogs being all alone). Then, he was with me the whole time though my labor (which lasted almost a week -- contractions started on Monday, she wasn't born until Saturday). Jeff was an awesome coach and support, especially when everything was so out of my control. He kept me focused and held my hand through it all. But, most importantly, he has been absolutely amazing since we've been home.
I have not healed well from my c-section. I still have an open wound for which I am receiving regular care from my doctor and home health nurses. Because of my wound I am really limited in what I can do. I can't lift anything besides Ellie. I can't bend over to pick something off of the floor. I can't always walk very easily or even lower myself into a chair because of the pain. In addition, because Ellie doesn't care for nursing, I'm pumping every two hours so I can give her breast milk and avoid giving her formula. This means that I have to interrupt Jeff's work so he can watch her while I'm pumping. He stops what he's doing and helps me every time I need him, and usually with a smile. This is all while he's starting a new job, managing the various home improvement projects we have going on (our timing on those projects was awful!), and bonding with Ellie.
Sometimes I think about how hard it must be to be a single mother. Or even to be a mother of a newborn if your partner works outside of the home. I could not do this alone every day for 8 hours while Jeff is at work. I'm lucky to have such a loving and caring husband. Ellie is lucky to have a father like Jeff. Today was an especially hard day. I've been in a lot of pain. But he has been wonderful, taking care of me and Ellie. I just wanted to say thank you, we love you so much!
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