Pump, Pump, Pump it Up

Exclusive pumping is hard work. 

Ellie never really caught on to nursing.  When she was about three weeks old I gave up (so many tears, from both of us every time she was hungry!), but wanted to continue to give her breast milk.  So, I joined the ranks of exclusive pumpers.  I pump and bottle feed her my expressed breast milk. 

For the first couple of weeks it was a race to make sure I had enough milk for her everyday.  Then, I started taking Fenugreek (an herbal supplement) to help increase my supply.  Within days I had a surplus, so I was able to store some in the freezer for when I go back to work.  That was the plan, at least.  Instead, we found out that one of the reasons my incision wasn't healing was because I had a staph infection (OSA).  I had to go on antibiotics, and the dose was high enough that I had to stop giving her breast milk.  It was a sad day for me.  I was so committed to keeping her off formula for as long as possible.  But, I knew that keeping her on the breast milk while on the antibiotics was too dangerous.

Since I had a decent supply of breast milk (about 90oz) in the freezer, we were able to mix breast milk with formula for the 12 days I had to pump and dump (so sad to watch my milk just go down the drain!).  I've been off the antibiotics for a week now, and Ellie's been back on breast milk since Tuesday.  We're back to the races to make sure I have enough.  I'm taking 3 Fenugreek capsules, 3 times a day (which worked last time), and pumping hourly.  I'm sore and tired!  Since I pump for 15 minutes, I only have a 45 minute break in between sessions.  I've been watching old shows on HBO Go to help me pass the time.  So far I've finished Deadwood, Six Feet Under, How to Make it in America, and am now on season 2 of the Sopranos. 

I'm hoping to go back to work on Tuesday (I see my nurse tomorrow and as long as my wounds are smaller, I'll be going to work -- hurray!!!).  This means that I have to get a surplus again, so Ellie has milk during the day while I'm at work.  Hopefully I'll be able to get at least 10 oz extra over the next day and half so we won't have to supplement with formula.  I think that'll be enough to stay ahead of her.  Wish me luck!

The one bonus of pumping and bottle feeding is that other people are able to feed Ellie.  Here she is with Grandma, right after eating. 

It Sure Ain't Easy

Nursing is tough.  We are really having a hard time with it.  It's really frustrating, too, because I feel like it's something that should be so natural, so why doesn't it come naturally to us?  Even though we had Ellie's frenulum cut so she could get her tongue out more, and we're using the nipple shield, she's still having a really hard time latching on.  I've started pumping A LOT, so we can feed her breast milk via bottle.  It's not ideal, but it's working for now.  I feel like every day is a race to make sure I can pump enough to keep her satisfied.  I'm hoping that my supply will surpass her demand before I go back to work so that I will have milk to leave at home with Jeff.

Earlier this week we went to our first La Leche League meeting.  While I didn't get a lot of advice (besides the usual "keep trying" and "it gets easier"), it was nice to be in a room full of women who have had similar struggles.  I was able to cry in a room full of strangers and feel better about my frustrations because I knew I wasn't alone. The meetings are monthly, during a weekday morning, so I will only be able to go to one or two more meetings before I have to go back to work, but at least I know the group is there and that I can turn to them for support.

When Ellie gets really fussy, I offer her the bottle first, so she's not starving, and then try to switch her to the breast.  Sometimes she'll latch on, other times she'll just cry and cry until I give her the bottle back.  Last night, however, she kept pushing the bottle away from her mouth.  I offered her the breast instead, and she latched on right away.  That was the first time that it was really easy.  At the LLL meeting we were asked to share our favorite memory of nursing.  I didn't have one to share because it's just been such a struggle.  When she chose me over the bottle I cried (not the first time I cried while nursing -- just the first time it wasn't out of frustration) and thought, "now I can have a happy memory of nursing." 

I know that breast milk is best.  And we're not going to give up, even if it means that she'll have to have my milk in a bottle more often than not.  One of the other moms at the LLL meeting said to me that the most important thing about feeding our babies is the love; No matter if they feel that love nursing at the breast or eating from a bottle, they'll benefit as long as the love is there.  There is no lack of love for Ellie, that's for sure.

Nursing Woes

It would be an understatement to say that I did not have the birthing experience that I planned.  I wanted an all natural birth with very little medical intervention.  What I got was an induction, and epidural, and finally a c-section.

I thought I would at least be able to nurse the way that I wanted since nothing else had gone my way (besides the actual birth of my beautiful daughter, of course!).  Unfortunately, that didn't happen either.

Ellie was born at 37 weeks gestation, and we were told nursing would probably be difficult because babies don't develop the rooting and sucking instinct until 38-39 weeks.  I was prepared for the challenge, but feel like we were never really given the chance.  When Ellie was less than twelve hours old we were told we had to supplement with formula.  The neonatologists were worried about weight loss and jaundice.  All babies get a little jaundice, but because she was born with several bruises on her head and face (she really tried to engage -- for days! -- but just wouldn't fit, and she had the battle wounds to prove it) the doctors were worried that her jaundice would be worse than normal. 

Reluctantly, I agreed to supplement with formula, as long as we didn't have to use a bottle.  So, we learned how to use a feeding tube, and we established a very regimented schedule.  Every 2 hours I would nurse on both sides, pump, and then feed up to 10 ml of formula with the feeding tube, but at the breast so Ellie would associate food with my breasts.  I was really OK with this, until we were told on day 2 that she should be eating 30-60 ml of formula at every feeding.  It was hard enough to get her to eat the 10 ml; She obviously was not hungry enough to eat 30 ml!  I got really frustrated with this turn of events, but we were being threatened with bottle feedings and a return to the NICU if she lost any more weight or her jaundice got worse.  I certainly didn't want that, so again, we agreed.  Only, we changed from every 2 hours for feedings to every 3 hours.  I figured if she had more time to get hungry, then maybe she would eat more.

On day 3 they changed our routine once again.  We had to supplement with formula at the breast (for at least 30 ml of formula) and then pump for 15 minutes.  Whatever was collected with pumping would start the next feeding.  This meant that I no longer was able to nurse without any supplements at all.  I was not particularly pleased with this turn of events, but again agreed in order to keep her out of the NICU. 

We were discharged on day 4, under direct orders not to miss our pediatrician appointment that afternoon because of her jaundice (still not bad enough to require light therapy -- just slightly in the danger zone, but already going in the right direction).  When we made it to the pediatrician she asked me how breastfeeding was going I just burst into tears.  I told her I felt like I was force-feeding her and she never had an opportunity to get hungry so it was just frustrating to her.  I didn't want to be on a schedule, I wanted to feed her when she was hungry.  The doctor gave me a hug, told me it would be OK, and we started a new plan.  We would stop the formula feedings (yea!), and we would start feeding on-demand.  This meant that I didn't have to watch the clock anymore, instead I could watch my daughter and let her tell me when she was hungry.

We started that day, and it was an immediate change.  I know babies get more active and alert as they get older, but it was uncanny how her level of alertness increased with the induction of this new plan.  That afternoon I saw her eyes open more than I ever had, she was much more aggressive with feedings, seeking out my breast, not just waiting for me to give it to her.  Maybe it was just me, but she also seemed happier and less stressed or frustrated with the entire act of eating. 

The one good thing about having to formula feed was that Jeffrey was able to be a part of the feedings in a way he otherwise would not have been.  Finger feeding allowed him an opportunity to feel her latch and that was really exciting for him.  He is eagerly anticipating the start of bottle feeding in a couple of weeks so he can be more involved again.