Bittersweet Ending

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted.  I guess time really does fly when you're having fun...

I finally stopped pumping.  It wasn't easy.  It wasn't my decision, either.  My body just quit on me and I stopped producing milk.  This was a bittersweet moment for me.  On one hand, I was so tired of pumping.  I had wanted to quit (in my brain) for months!  On the other hand, I wanted to offer Ellie the best I could for as long as I could and (in my heart) wasn't ready to give up. 

I actually was prepared to stop pumping when Ellie turned one year old.  At her 1 year checkup, though, her pediatrician convinced me to keep going.  She told me that even if I was only giving her 4-8 oz of breast milk a day it was still beneficial.  And, since Ellie was about to start day care for the first time in her life, it would really pay off by having extra antibodies from my milk.  So I kept up with it.  But, I couldn't commit as much time to pumping as I had for the first year.  For one thing, Ellie was so much more active, so pumping for 30 minutes a day, 4-5 times a day just wasn't going to happen.  I couldn't continue to take pumping breaks at work (my employer was fantastically supportive, don't get me wrong, I just needed to focus on work, not milk-making at work, totally my decision, no one ever said a negative word about my pumping at work).  So, I dropped to 2 pumps a day.  30 minutes each: first thing in the morning, and again after I got home from work.

For a while I continued to get about 4-6 oz a day.  Then it gradually tapered off to 2-3 oz.  About that same time I was just so tired of pumping, I dropped my evening pump.  For the next month I pumped 30 minutes every morning, and weekly noticed that I was getting only 1 oz a day, then 1/2 oz a day.  I knew the end was in sight, but I kept trying.  I took supplements, drank lots of water, ate oatmeal, and so on...

But, the day after Thanksgiving I was pumping and after 30 minutes had mere droplets.  I knew that I was done.  It was a relief.  But I was (am) so sad.  Here's the thing: I kicked pumping's ass.  I know that.  I did it for 16.5 months.  That's bad ass, right?  Lots of moms aren't able to nurse for that long.  So I  recognize all the hard work that I put into providing the best possible nutrition for my daughter (and believe me, pumping every hour for 20 minutes with a 6 week old is no easy task, but that's what it took, so that's what I did).  But, (there's always a but, right?) I wasn't able to nurse in the first place.  So, I still feel like a failure.  Just a little part of me, but it's there.  And, I felt like a failure again when at 6 months we had to start supplementing because I wasn't producing enough to sustain her.  I think a part of me, while I really wanted to stop pumping long before I did, kept going because of the guilt of not being able to nurse, and having to use formula instead of being able to exclusively breastfeed.  I felt like if I could give her breast milk for just a little longer, maybe it'd offset some of what she lacked by getting so much formula.  Is that crazy?  Probably.

I realize I'm being hard on myself, and that I did everything I could, but.... Just but.... If my body hadn't quit on me a couple of weeks ago, I'd still be pumping.  Not wanting to, but not wanting to give up either.  So, I'm glad I'm done.  I'm glad I didn't make the choice, but my body did.  I'm also sad that I'm done.  And I feel a little bit like I've let her down by not being able to make it to 18 months.  But, I also feel like a bad ass milk pumper, because I am, and I'm so proud of everything I accomplished (and so, so, so grateful for the support of my husband, because I could not have done it without him).  So, the end of my pumping career is both bitter and sweet -- bittersweet.  And, I think I'm okay with that. 

Also, clearly Ellie is happy, healthy, and active.  I know that, in part, that is because of me, and the BM I was able to provide her, so that makes things easier.  Here she is playing at the zoo for the Halloween Spooktacular (sorry, I haven't uploaded Thanksgiving pictures yet, this is the most recent I have right now). 

Happy Halloween!!!

Ellie's second Halloween was a little more eventful than her first.  This year, she even got to go trick-or-treating!

Ellie started her Halloween celebrations with a parade at her school. 

Then, after a quick dinner of pizza, we went trick-or-treating in our neighborhood.  Lots of the houses were dark, but Ellie had fun knocking on doors and taking candy out of bowls and putting it into her pumpkin bucket.

Olustee Battlefield

Last weekend we went on a drive through the Okefenokee Swamp.  We stopped at Olustee Battlefield to check it out.  It was the site of the Civil War's Battle of Olustee in 1864.  This was the largest Civil War battle in the state of Florida, and was won by the Confederacy.

There wasn't a whole lot to do there.  They have small visitor's center that has some information about the battle, a monument, and a couple of cannons.  You can walk around the battlefield, but it was so hot and humid that we didn't want to spend too much time walking around outside.  Ellie ran around in the field for a few minutes and had fun.  And, then, we continued our tour of the Okefenokee, driving up into Georgia and then back home to Jacksonville.  Jeff got some really cute shots of Ellie playing at the battlefield:

Oh, No!

I just found this video I took on Easter this year.  Ellie is making the noise with her lips, but her daddy doesn't know that...It cracks me up every time!

The Park

Ellie has so much fun playing at the park!

 

Happy Birthday, Peanut!

Thanks to my sister, Leslie, for being the official photographer at Ellie's birthday party!

Most of Ellie's family (missing Aunt Katie, Uncle Chad, Aunt Yael, Uncle Chris, Uncle Allan, Aunt Gaelle, and Bubbe)

Mama, Ellie, and Daddy

Nana, Doug, and Parker

Cousin Drake and Aunt Genevieve

Auntie Em, Ellie, and Aunt Jolene

Mama, Jill, and Easton

Ellie and Cousin Lainey

Lighting the candle...

Singing "Happy Birthday"

Blowing out the candle...

Digging in...

But not making too much of a mess (I think she gets this from me, I don't like to get messy while eating and neither does Ellie)

Lovely and delicious cake courtesy of Nana (and it is the official Mrs. White's Chocolate Fudge Birthday Cake)

Goodie bags for all of Ellie's friends

Polka dots and pinwheels wreath

Opening birthday gifts

We had so much fun at Ellie's birthday party.  We are so lucky to have so many wonderful friends and such a great family to celebrate with us!  Thank you all for all of the love and support this year!!!

12 Months

Whew!  It's hard to believe an entire year has gone by, but it has, and Ellie turned one on July 14.  We celebrated with our family and close friends, and we all had a great time!

Ellie was exactly 20 lbs at her one year check up, and 29" tall.  Her head circumference was 45cm.  That puts her at the 25th, 30th, and 35th percentiles
for weight, height and head circumference.  She's walking (and running) all over the place.  Ellie has 9 teeth (4 bottom and 5 top).  She says Mama, Dada, and datdat for dog.  She can wave, clap, and sign "all done."  She's working on finding other people's noses, which she can do pretty accurately, though she cannot find her own nose yet. 

We have just had so much fun watching Ellie learn, grow, and explore.  She's a happy, confident, independent, and determined little girl.  We are so lucky to have her for our daughter.

Celebrating Mama's birthday

At the zoo with Daddy

Exploring after the pool

Playing in the yard on July 4th

Happy Birthday, Little Peanut!

Running around at her birthday party

r

Folk Music Festival

Yesterday was my birthday.  To celebrate we decided to go to a small festival and concert in the park at a local historical society.  The place was still decorated for Independence Day, and they had a couple of folk bands playing on the front porch. 

Listening to the band play folk music

We had fun with a picnic lunch and listening to music.  Afterwards, we walked around.  Older kids were playing games children played 100 years ago, and getting their faces painted.  Ellie will have to wait a few years for that.  We toured the museum which was full of items once belonging to Harriet Beecher Stowe, including a magnolia she painted that reminded me a lot of one my Granny made.  We also toured an old farmhouse set up like it was at the turn of the 20th century.  Then we walked along the St. John's River (where there was a nice breeze, offering us some respite from the heat).  They also had a car show, so Jeff was happy about that! 

It was a nice little festival, and I think we'll try to go back next year. 

Walking along the river

Big girl!  Finally drinking out of a sippy cup

Enjoying the breeze and the music

July 4th

The 4th of July is a big deal in our house.  Not only are we celebrating Independence Day, but also it is Jeff's birthday, and the start of a 10 day birthday bonanza (Jeff - 7/4, Amanda - 7/7, Ellie - 7/14).  We had a really fun day yesterday.

 

 

Ellie's birthday present to her Daddy was an extra hour of sleep.  She slept until 8:15, which was awesome for all of us! he morning was pretty lazy -- Ellie played and we relaxed.  Then, we spent part of the afternoon at the pool.  Ellie is really enjoying playing in the water now, and even spent some time in her boat float.  She also likes to watch all of the big kids play. 

 

 

We also played in the front yard (and Jeff made time to cut the grass, too, being the first day all week that it didn't rain at our house).  Ellie loved watching bubbles float by, and even tried to chase after a few of them. 

 



Playing with bubbles!

Daddy found a rolly poly (or pill bug, depending on where you're from) that Ellie was very intrigued by.


 After a delicious dinner of cheeseburgers, potato salad, and tomato, peach and goat cheese salad, we went back out front to play with sparklers.  Ellie had fun watching the sparklers, but I think she had even more fun just running around and playing in the yard (and the truck bed).



Look at Mama's sparklers!

Just like Daddy -- already interested in cars!

 The day ended with dessert.  Jeff asked for a vanilla cake with cream cheese icing.  I decided to add some fresh strawberries to it too.  I had intended on putting blueberries on the top to make it red, white, and blue, but I forgot those!  He had blue candles instead.  Jeff loved the cake, and said it might be his regular birthday cake from now on.  It was a great day and a great way to start our family birthday celebration!