I finally stopped pumping. It wasn't easy. It wasn't my decision, either. My body just quit on me and I stopped producing milk. This was a bittersweet moment for me. On one hand, I was so tired of pumping. I had wanted to quit (in my brain) for months! On the other hand, I wanted to offer Ellie the best I could for as long as I could and (in my heart) wasn't ready to give up.
I actually was prepared to stop pumping when Ellie turned one year old. At her 1 year checkup, though, her pediatrician convinced me to keep going. She told me that even if I was only giving her 4-8 oz of breast milk a day it was still beneficial. And, since Ellie was about to start day care for the first time in her life, it would really pay off by having extra antibodies from my milk. So I kept up with it. But, I couldn't commit as much time to pumping as I had for the first year. For one thing, Ellie was so much more active, so pumping for 30 minutes a day, 4-5 times a day just wasn't going to happen. I couldn't continue to take pumping breaks at work (my employer was fantastically supportive, don't get me wrong, I just needed to focus on work, not milk-making at work, totally my decision, no one ever said a negative word about my pumping at work). So, I dropped to 2 pumps a day. 30 minutes each: first thing in the morning, and again after I got home from work.
For a while I continued to get about 4-6 oz a day. Then it gradually tapered off to 2-3 oz. About that same time I was just so tired of pumping, I dropped my evening pump. For the next month I pumped 30 minutes every morning, and weekly noticed that I was getting only 1 oz a day, then 1/2 oz a day. I knew the end was in sight, but I kept trying. I took supplements, drank lots of water, ate oatmeal, and so on...
But, the day after Thanksgiving I was pumping and after 30 minutes had mere droplets. I knew that I was done. It was a relief. But I was (am) so sad. Here's the thing: I kicked pumping's ass. I know that. I did it for 16.5 months. That's bad ass, right? Lots of moms aren't able to nurse for that long. So I recognize all the hard work that I put into providing the best possible nutrition for my daughter (and believe me, pumping every hour for 20 minutes with a 6 week old is no easy task, but that's what it took, so that's what I did). But, (there's always a but, right?) I wasn't able to nurse in the first place. So, I still feel like a failure. Just a little part of me, but it's there. And, I felt like a failure again when at 6 months we had to start supplementing because I wasn't producing enough to sustain her. I think a part of me, while I really wanted to stop pumping long before I did, kept going because of the guilt of not being able to nurse, and having to use formula instead of being able to exclusively breastfeed. I felt like if I could give her breast milk for just a little longer, maybe it'd offset some of what she lacked by getting so much formula. Is that crazy? Probably.
I realize I'm being hard on myself, and that I did everything I could, but.... Just but.... If my body hadn't quit on me a couple of weeks ago, I'd still be pumping. Not wanting to, but not wanting to give up either. So, I'm glad I'm done. I'm glad I didn't make the choice, but my body did. I'm also sad that I'm done. And I feel a little bit like I've let her down by not being able to make it to 18 months. But, I also feel like a bad ass milk pumper, because I am, and I'm so proud of everything I accomplished (and so, so, so grateful for the support of my husband, because I could not have done it without him). So, the end of my pumping career is both bitter and sweet -- bittersweet. And, I think I'm okay with that.
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| Also, clearly Ellie is happy, healthy, and active. I know that, in part, that is because of me, and the BM I was able to provide her, so that makes things easier. Here she is playing at the zoo for the Halloween Spooktacular (sorry, I haven't uploaded Thanksgiving pictures yet, this is the most recent I have right now). |
