Uncle Allan and the Panda Bear

I'll post about our trip to Atlanta soon, but until then, enjoy this video of Ellie's Uncle Allan making her giggle with a stuffed Panda Bear at Zoo Atlanta:

9 Month Stats

We went to the pediatrician today for Ellie's nine month well check.

She is 17 lbs 5 oz (20th percentile)

She is 27" long (30th percentile)

Her head circumference is 43.5 (30th percentile)

The nurse practitioner said that Ellie is doing great!  We still need to use the Calendula gel for the labial adhesion, but it looks much better.  We can take Ellie to an occupational therapist if we want to have her evaluated, but we don't have to.  She crawls using the back of her left hand (instead of her palm) about half of the time.  She also spends most of the time she's on her feet on her tip-toes, or else with her toes curled under.  The nurse practitioner saw her crawl and creep, and Ellie (of course) didn't display any of those actions for her.  She wasn't concerned, so an OT consult would really just be for our peace of mind.  We also need to practice waving bye-bye and clapping.  I am pretty impressed that Ellie can give high fives, but apparently we need to focus more on waving and clapping, and less on high fiving.  All in all it was a good visit, and we won't have to go back until Ellie is a year old!

My Experience with PPD

Before my daughter was even born I knew the chance of having post-partum depression was higher for me since I had dealt with depression before.  I was first diagnosed (but long suffered in silence) at 17.  Through counseling and medication I got it under control.  Depression showed up again in my mid-20s, but I recognized the signs and through the help of a therapist felt better within a few months.  This depression, the one after my daughter was born, was totally different than anything else I’d experienced though.  I felt so out of control, so overwhelmed, and so, so guilty for everything.

I’m fortunate that I had previous experience with depression because I recognized it early.  At about six or seven weeks post-partum I talked to my doctor.  She was hesitant to start me on medication as I was not healing well from my emergency c-section and she was afraid that was the cause of my emotions and not real post-partum depression (PPD).  I assured her I knew what I was talking about, and would prefer medication this time, sooner rather than later, to nip this thing in the bud.

I went back to work when my daughter was three months old.  My PPD got worse.  When I wasn’t working, pumping (she had a poor latch and I ended up Exclusively Pumping  (EP) so I could continue to breastfeed), or playing with my daughter, I was crying.  Mostly because I didn’t want to play with her.  I wanted to be able to go in my bedroom, shut the door, and pretend like everything was back to the way it used to be.  I was glad I had to EP because at least I would have 15 minutes to myself every few hours.  I was happy to go back to work so I could get away.  And those feelings of not wanting to be around her brought on extreme guilt.  I mean, crazy guilt.  What kind of mother was I that I didn’t even want to spend time with my 3 month old? 

For me depression isn’t sadness.  It’s anger, anxiety, fear, and guilt all rolled into one, all at the highest level all at the same time.  I never wanted to blend into the couch like the woman on the commercial, I wanted to isolate myself because only having to worry about me (and not my husband or daughter) was the least scary thing.  At least I couldn’t disappoint anyone if I wasn’t around them. 

I started going to a therapist when my daughter was about 4 months old.  My c-section still hadn’t healed.  I was exhausted, overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and felt guilty about it all.  My therapist helped me see that while I felt like I was just spinning my wheels I really was doing a lot.  I was working.  I was healing from a surgery.  I was taking care of an infant.  I was making milk with which to sustain my daughter.  And because she wouldn’t latch I was pumping every two or three hours.  I had so much else, on top of all of the normal new parent anxiety. 

Through my work with her I gradually started feeling better.  At the same time I was getting physically stronger and more able to deal with my c-section wound.  She helped me refocus my energies from what I didn’t have, to what I did have.  Instead of saying “I can’t get down on the floor and play with her because it hurts too much”, I said,” I’m grateful to be able to watch her explore and discover”.  Instead of saying, “I can’t even load the dishwasher because I can’t bend over”, I said, “I’m grateful to be able to do the few things around the house I can”.  Focusing on that which I do have helped me shift from all of the worries and concerns about what I didn’t have, or couldn’t do, and helped me find my path to healing. 

My daughter is now nine months old.  I’m gradually weaning off of my medication.  I’ve reduced my visits with the therapist from once a week to once a month.  I feel really good.  I feel like I’m in control and like I can finally enjoy the time I have with my little girl.  Some days are easier than others, sure.  But I know that I have the strength it takes to look PPD in the face (so to speak), and tell it that I’m stronger than ever and it won’t control me. 

Nine Months

Ellie turned 9 months old yesterday.  She doesn't go to the doctor for her 9 month check up until next week.  I'll update with her progress then.  Until then, here's what she's been up to:

Playing with her hippo/dragon after church on Easter

• Moving all around -- crawling, cruising, you name it, Ellie is doing everything but walking (though her Daddy did see her take a couple of steps without holding on, it was an isolated event)
• Standing on her own (no hands!) for 10-15 seconds
• Screaming!
• Giving high fives
• Understanding the word, "No!" (though she doesn't always listen)
• Mastering that pincer grasp and self-feeding
• Teething -- 4 teeth to date, including the 2 bottom front and 2 top incisors (Ellie's vampire teeth!)
• Holding her bottle
• Giving kisses (say "gimme a kiss" and she'll lean right in a kiss ya)
• Finding her independence and entertaining herself through play

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

These peas are so good I'm going to scream!  Because that's what I do, happy, sad, angry, it doesn't matter, listen to how loud I can be!

Somehow Ellie managed to switch places with Mauja and got on the outside of her playroom, while Mauj got locked in.

Happy Easter!

Showing off those teeth!

With Great Aunt Sharon in St. Simmons, GA

Being a baby is HARD work!

Whatcha got in your mouth?  Can I have it? 

So serious!

Ellie Giggles

The Evolution of My Wound

Here's a recent picture of Ellie, looking super cute!

Yesterday I was (finally!) released from Wound Care.  My c-section incision is officially healed (enough), after 8 months, 3 weeks and roughly 8 hours. It is such a huge relief.  That incision has been a part of me, like another (unwelcome) family member for the past 9 months!

I cannot possibly thank everyone enough for the love, support, and prayers I've received over the past several months as I've struggled to heal and get through this difficult time.  I have really felt a tremendous amount of love and support from my family and friends, and am so lucky to have so many wonderful and caring people in my life. 

I thought I would share with you the evolution of my wound, but I must warn you that if you are squeamish, or don't like to look at gross things, you might want to think about skipping this post.  I won't be offended.  Some pictures are upside down because I was generally taking the pictures while laying down, and that's how my iPhone did it.  I tried flipping them around before posting, but some wouldn't save right side up. 

I didn't think to take pictures of the wound until September, so this is about 2 months after Ellie's birth (which was on July 14).



Middle of September -- The one on the left is 3cm X 1.5cm X 3.3 cm (length X width X depth); The one on the right is 3.5 X 1.8 X 2.8; A tunnel connects them under the section of healed skin on the top

Early October -- After we stopped using the Wound Vac -- both wounds are about 1 cm deep here, but there is still a tunnel connecting the two under the surface

Mid-October -- So you can see it with a ruler and get an idea of the surface size

Right around Halloween, progress stalled around this point and my measurements stayed pretty much the same for several weeks in a row

Around the end of November, it all the sudden got so much better, but I still had that tunnel connecting the two holes under the surface

 

December didn't bring about much change.  I was supposed to have the deep wound debridment surgery right before Christmas, but developed a mastitis in my right breast the day before.  I had a temperature of 102.2 in pre-op, so got IV antibiotics instead of surgery. 

 

January brought about some major changes -- the tunnel started to close up, and the wound on the right was healing (you can actually see the bottom of the wound in the picture on the right side)

 

 Early February -- Progress continued, and the tunnel completely closed up

 February 14 -- Happy Valentine's Day to me!  My measurements were deeper this week, and I was in a lot of pain.  My Wound Care doctor numbed the wounds (that's where the bruising came from) and got some really good tissue samples.  Those showed an anaerobic bacterial infection and an OSSA staph infection.  I went back on antibiotics and...

 

 The wounds started closing in March!!!

 By the end of March I was measuring a 0.1 cm depth on the right side, and 0.2 cm depth on the left. 

 

When I went to the doctor yesterday (April 5) this is what he saw -- 0.0 cm depth!  And, the surface is closed all the way too. 

 I've been released from Wound Care and can resume normal activity as long as it doesn't cause me pain.  The nerve endings will continue to come back, so the area will likely be tender and sore for several more months. 

 

So there it is, in all of it's glory.  My c-section wound from almost completely open at 2 months post-partum to healed at almost 9 months post-partum.  Now, I am in no way a typical case (I tend to be a medical mystery), but I urge women to avoid a c-section unless absolutely medically necessary.  The risks of the surgery are just so great. there is no way to predict what will happen.  (I'm not talking about women who HAVE to have a c/s, I'm talking about those that WANT one because they want to schedule their births, or are afraid of labor pain -- elective c/s).  This has effected me in ways I probably don't even know yet.  I've been in chronic pain, suffered from post-partum depression, put great strain on my marriage, made work difficult, and worst of all, not been able to care for my daughter as well as I should have been for almost her entire first year.  If this can happen to me, it can certainly happen to any other mother. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Easter!

 

Ellie's first Easter was a pretty quiet affair.  Since she's too young to understand the Easter Bunny or Easter egg hunts, we had a nice, quiet weekend.  Jeff had to go to Tallahassee on Saturday to drive a car for work, so Ellie and I had an opportunity to spend some time playing, just the two of us. 

 

On Sunday, we went to church, where Ellie was pretty quiet until communion time.  Then she decided that anyone who did not already know she was at the service should certainly hear her voice and thusly started screaming.  Fortunately, our church is very family friendly and very understanding of babies crying.  After church Ellie had some time to play, and then my cousin Zach came over and we had a nice springtime inspired Easter dinner. 

 

For dinner I made a rack of lamb (my first time cooking lamb!  I used this recipe and it was delicious and super easy!).  We also had an asparagus and Gruyere tart and a salad of mixed greens, goat cheese, and dried cranberries.  Zach joked that he brought communion, since he brought the bread (dinner rolls) and wine (a yummy Malbec that went really well with the lamb).  I also made individual strawberry tartlettes (inspired by this recipe). Everything was really tasty and we all enjoyed a nice dinner.  I'm so pleased that Zach and I live close to one another now.  He grew up in Texas, I grew up in Maryland.  We didn't see each other very often when we were kids.  He moved here a year ago for work and I've really enjoyed being able to spend time with him over the past year.  It's nice to have family around! 

 

All in all, we had a very nice Easter.  Jeff and I are looking forward to next Easter when Ellie will be able to have a little bit more fun with the Easter Bunny and an Easter egg hunt.